'I'll Be Seeing You': How I'm Healing in the Midst of an Unwanted Divorce

 

I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day and through
In that small café
The park across the way
The children's carousel
The chestnut trees, the wishing well

 

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day
In everything that's light and gay
I'll always think of you that way
I'll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you

 

- "I'll Be Seeing You" lyrics by Sami Fain and Irving Kahal, performed by Cat Power

 

One of the last photos I took with my husband and "our" dog, Apollo

Our wedding day.

At the Hitching Post in Coeur D'Alene, Idaho

 

I was at work - and maybe beginning to hallucinate a little on some magic mushrooms I'd acquired that day - when my husband hit me with the announcement, via text message, that he was no longer interested in "suffering" at my side and wanted to legally separate.

Things had been amazing between us for a few months, with no fights to speak of, and to say that I was blindsided by this announcement wouldn't quite convey the feeling.

As if the floor were coming out from under me, and as though I myself were falling down a rabbit hole of emotion and thought, the cubensis visuals overtook me.

I hadn't planned this moment at all. 

But amazingly, I wasn't freaking out - I was HONED. 

I was determined - whether or not I had "my" man by my side - that I was going to get my shit together.

Having been alcohol-free for nearly two months at this point, I also resolved to quit vaping. So I did.

I had purchased the cubensis hoping to gain some clarity in certain aspects of my life - and, suddenly, here was this indelible teaching moment. 

And I didn't cry throughout my entire shift, even after almost making a huge financial mistake at my till that I had immense trouble figuring out. 

I refused to be sad. Instead, I was angry. 

I wanted some answers.

"Quick question - WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? I'M AT WORK!"

Among scant reasons for leaving, one was that he couldn't move past some of the (admittedly cruel, alcohol-inspired) things I'd said to him during previous fights, or "dark" secrets I'd confided in him over the years - like, *gasp*, how I had the audacity to have had a romantic past before him.

Another quick question: what kind of person, who claims to love you and be your best friend, makes sure you're at work before they pounce on you with the divorce talk? 

I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never know the real reason he chose to do it this way. I realized I would simply have to accept peace in whatever fragments I could find it in. 

He blocked me as I sent him a barrage of angry and confused protestations and lamentations, and ignored me for days until finally emailing me to demand a copy of our marriage certificate, assuming the stonewalling once more when he didn't get his little way again.

In what I know recognize as a cop-out, in the form of a poorly-constructed lie, the person I promised my life to, and poured tens of thousands of my own dollars into, and survived two great family tragedies with, took our nearly three-year-long friendship and yearlong marriage and violently binned it all - pinning his new therapist up as the scapegoat for this decision. 

Little does he know or care I've been to enough clinicians to know that one worth her salt would never make such a snap decision without even meeting me or hearing what *I* had to say about my side of things! Then, my own therapist said there's a great chance that this conversation never took place - and he remarked that his clients often put words in HIS mouth about such situations, too.

In the weeks following, I've had a lot of mixed emotions, as one could imagine. I've broken down crying. I've thought about breaking my sobriety. I even considered harming myself - and maybe I have, a little, by skipping bits of myself-care routine or speaking unkindly to myself. I've slept too much or not enough. 

My dreams have been bittersweet. Memories of him and our dog Apollo, and of the two of us laughing and embracing haunt them. And oh, how I DO miss "my" sweet little Apollo.

These are the last pics I took of him, and they might be unflattering but they're hilarious, so at least there's that:

But at the same time, I felt, and still feel, a strange sense of gratitude and relief that I no longer have to make myself "smaller" to appease or accommodate someone else who's insecure and emotionally unavailable.